An Open Letter to Microsoft

To Whom it may Concern,

Wow, so Microsoft finally got into the direct-to-PC gaming market. Congrats. I'm sure you are going to make a killing with all 18 games you have available. You launch right before the Christmas season, when thousands of kids will be getting games from their parents, and that's your library: eighteen games, half of which are casual and/or have been out for a year, and all of which you can get on Steam. Great business plan.

And it was really smart of you to sell all of your games at full price right off the bat, especially for the holidays. That's really going to encourage people to switch over to an unproven platform. I'm sure I have many reasons to buy the original Fallout 3 for $50 from you and then all the add-ons for another $30 when I can get the whole thing on Steam for $37.49, I just can't think of them yet.

Although I guess it's good that you only have eighteen games considering that you can't even search the library. You guys seriously launch an entire search engine, and you can't even include a search feature on your games browser. That's lovely. And then even as you so completely fail to provide any reason to use your client, you leave no way for people to suggest features or improvements. There is no e-mail support on the WindowsLive page, and Games for Windows is not listed under any of your support options. I had to Google "Windows Live Support" to even get a Microsoft address that even looks remotely helpful, and it's an invitation-only affair.

Good luck with this half-hearted venture, but I doubt you will make any money if this is your business plan.

-Reece

A lot of people will be surprised when I can't do some base calculations quickly in my head, and then will be equally surprised when I can do others almost instantly. The fact is that lots of mathy people aren't that much more skilled at... errr... numbers, than most, but rather are just more familiar with them. I know you're never supposed to reveal your tricks, but this is just a bit of insight into how certain problems have quick shortcuts.

Example:

15*39. On the surface this looks like any old two digit multiplication. But to a math major who is used to factoring and such, it instantly becomes 15*(40-1) = 4*15 *10 - 15 = 600 - 15 = 585. Each step is very simple and can be done very fast, but you don't necessarily see the shortcut if you don't work with expressions often.

Example:

16 * 48. Again, this becomes 16 * 16 *3, and any math major worth his salt knows his squares up to 25, just because he's done them so often. So 16 *16 * 3 = 256 * 2 = (250 +6) * 3 = 750 +18 = 768. Again, just three instantaneous steps, if you see them.

Counterexample:

32 * 37. This I would probably just do longform in my head, which I am bad at. No immediately obvious trick (to me at least) so I do the normal three multiplications and one addition.

Example:

Is x<100 prime? Well, I figured out a while ago that you only have to look for factors less than the root of x, so less than 10. This is because if z divides 100, and z is greater than 10, then z*10>100, so z's factor pair (that is, 100/z) must be less than 10. So to find z, you just have to find its pair.

Further, even x's are obvious not prime, and odd numbers are only even the product of two odds, so you only have to look for odd numbers under 10: 3,5,7,9. On top of that, the numbers divisible by 5 and 9 are immediately obvious. So all we have left is to check if a number is divisible by 3 or 7. Well. a number is divisible by 3 if and only if the sum of the digits is, so that is a quick test. That leaves as the only real test divisibility by 7. Thus the question, 'is 83 prime,' can be answered just by noticing that 8 is not divisible by 3, and 83 is 13 more than 70. So pretty much this entire paragraph is already coded into my thought process, which is why the answer will come pretty quickly. The same holds true for most numbers less than 200, you just have to test for 11 and 13 also, and beware of the dreaded 119, which should totally be prime.

http://www.ushmm.org/

Notice any language missing?

Overheard in the hipster coffeeshop I'm in:

"Hey do [ridiculous sounding band] have a CD?"

"Yeah, they're in DC."

"No, a CD."

"Yeah, DC."

"Nonono, do they have a Ceeeee Deeeeee out?"

"Well I guess technically they're in Maryl.... oh. You mean an LP?"

"Yeah. A CD."

"Don't be so 90s."

Also, apparently hipsters have taken over plaid, so now I can't wear my flannel. I hate them so much.

Airport musings:

Cute little girl during the takeoff from Sitka:

“My favorite color is every color in the world! What is yours?”

“Grey”

“Grey is not color!”

“Why not?”

“Because colors are pretty!”

“You know what makes me really scared?”

“What?”

“Airplanes.”

So as I was walking through the Seattle-Tacoma airport at 3am I realized that when I'm really tired, I start mumbling to myself like a crazy person. Upon further reflection, I remembered that even when I'm not that tired, I often mumble to myself like a crazy person. Then I realized that I was in fact mumbling to myself like a crazy person about mumbling to myself like a crazy person, and at that exact moment, in an otherwise empty terminal, I passed another guy who was mumbling to himself like a crazy person. We made brief eye contact, exchanged knowing glances, and went our separate ways.

Among the crazy-person thoughts that ran through my head during the 3 to 6am sleepless block:

“I wonder when Starbucks wakes up.”

“If I hit the newscaster in the mouth, will it mute all the tvs?”

“4 times 15 is.... is... is.... 45? Yeah! Yeah? Yeeeeeeah.”

“You can brush your teeth with soap, right?”

“No.”

“Well soap is clean.... and I want my teeth clean... I can totall... no that's a bad idea.”

So there was another potentially adorable little girl (I'm really not that creepy, I promise) in front of me on the way to Minneapolis. She had a pastel purple carry-on, and as she lifted it up to her mom, I craned my neck to see which Disney Princess she claimed allegiance to. Unfortunately the bitter truth revealed itself when I saw that it was not in fact a Disney bag, but a Bratz bag. Instantly, all potential for amusement was sucked out of my mind and every otherwise darnest thing she said was stupid and annoying.

“We can't take off because I don't have a carseat!”

“That's because you're on an airplane, dumbass.”

“I I I don't know why planes are so big and still can fly?!”

“Pressure differentials, airspeed, and wing loading. Look it up, little ingrate*.”

*There are lots of ingrates in The Count of Monte Cristo."

Even though I'm usually pretty good at suppressing sappiness, it was hard not to feel a strum of nostalgia as we took off. The Three Sisters moved out of their usual alignment; Arrowhead jumped out from behind Verstovia; and I swear I saw the sun glint off of the Gavin shelter as we flew past the the four peaks of Harbor.

Sitka is without question one of the prettiest places I've ever been. Even the most skilled artist would not add or subtract a single tree from her artless grandeur. Very rarely does Beauty reveal herself so readily and openly, even on the drive to the bank or the walk to work, as she does on that tiny island in southeast Alaska.

This blog post paid for by the Sitka chamber of commerce.

Ha so this is a temporary post just so I get tonight's events in order as I remember them: I turn around and notice a man and a lady yelling at each other. All I hear is "Don't fucking spit on my friend" and a bunch of profanity. I mention to Casey and Patti, who are behind us, that it looks like things are going to get nasty, mostly jokingly. Then out of nowhere she slugs him and he try to hit her back. Casey, the hero, maneuvers him out of the ARC and into the courtyard before he can respond. I stay inside trying to figure out what happened, until I hear a commotion outside and go out to see what the deal is. There's lots of yelling and pushing, and I can't quite make out who is against who, but I see Richard screaming at some guy, who is screaming back. I ask Kirsten what's going on and she says to please get Richard inside before he gets punched in the face. I grab his arm and say "Richard, please go inside, I really think this dude is going to hit you," to which he responds "It's fine. I've done this before. He won't hit me." But right then the guy takes off his leather jacket and I say "Richard, even if you think you are totally fine, go inside," and he does. Then I finally see the guy who got hit in the face, and he is gushing blood from his mouth. Long story short: cops get called. Lots of minor near-skirmishes, but everything calms down. I may clear up this account in the morning, but I may not. Oh yeah: and the best quote of the evening went to the beaten who said, "If my girlfriend was here, she'd kick the shit out of you."

Also, so I don't forget, the legitimate sober quotation of the day goes to:
"Owls actually have ears that are asymmetrically placed on their heads. So they have an ear up here, and an ear down here. This let's them hunt at using nothing but sound."
"Sounds like my first wife."
What I wish I could say "What the fuck does that even mean, sir. Does your wife really have ears that increase her sense of hearing to superhuman levels? If so, she was a keeper."
What I actually said: "Ha."

More trouble in the dorms.

So just this very second I hear sobbing at my door and frantic knocking. I get up and a young woman is standing there crying so hard I can barely understand her. But I make out "throw" "hit" "boyfriend" and "911" so I call 911 and hand her the phone. She says she wants to report a domestic dispute and that she's scared that her boyfriend is coming for her, all the while staring terrifiedly at the end of the hall, since, she tells the 911 operator, he boyfriend may still be after her. So holy shit get inside my room, lady. I motion her inside but she refuses, either too scared to think straight,or not entirely trusting of men at the moment, so I just have to hope that he is not in fact still after her. Of course this is partially my fault since looking at me in my boxers and T-shirt with Pong paused on the computer screen she probably thought that this tough, strong stranger who is obviously trained in the martial art of Street Fighter 4 could protect her. As I listen to her tell her story, I can see red marks on her shoulders and back, which I learn are from being pelted with bottles, shoes, and whatever other things her boyfriend could grab. She's about 5'2" and can't weigh more than 100lbs, so unless her boyfriend is one of the many 6th graders I've met at Magic The Gathering tournaments, she is pretty lucky to have gotten away with just bruises. The rest of her story was pretty confused, but the one part that stuck out was she said she ran out of the room and her boyfriend tackled her to the ground. Some other SJ resident opened the door to see what was going on, so her boyfriend pretended to be helping her up and said "She's fine," at which the SJ denizen just said "Ok" and closed the door. I'd like to believe that he was actually suspicious and decided to call the police just in case, but somehow I doubt it. So she waited in front of my door until the 911 operator said the police had arrived at the front door. So I tensely escorted her the the main entrance, and I noticed she paused at every corner until I was completely beyond it. And so goes the continuing adventures at the SJ dorms.

Tourists say the darnest things

Basic biology problems:

• “How can you tell if a bird can reproduce asexually?”
• “What do the birds think we are?”
• “How do you know how much birdseed to feed to an eagle?”
• “Do they regrow their bones like starfish?”
• “What is the difference between a bald eagle and a raven?”
• Standing in the middle of the courtyard: “Where do you keep all the raptors?”
• “Do bald eagles like apples?”
• “Aren't owls in the same family as chickens?”
• “You mentioned that they aren't extinct anymore...”

You ain't from around here are you?

• “Where do you have the bald eagles that are just in the trees?”
• “This is a pretty civilized place.”
• “Are the Russians sorry they sold Alaska to the US?”
• “Where is the bridge that humpbacks swim under?”

Whoops:

• “Boris is so.... majestical.”
• “Is he a female?”
• “My friend beat off an eagle.... it was attacking his cat.”
• “Can you fondle her... head.”
• “The last one starts with a 'k'” “Condor!” *facepalm*
  

Socio-political:

• “You know why the weather is like this don't you? Because Obama is ignoring Jerusalem.”
• “Can you believe that redneck bullshit?”
• “So... do you guys grow really good smoke up here?”
• “Volta loves to eat rats.” “Send him to Washington DC!”
  

Wait.... what?

• “Do eagles fledge?”
• “Which bird was raised by seagulls?”
• About Katzeek- “I just... really want to play balloon volleyball with him.”
• At the Booth -“Are you the special guy?”
• “What is your walking trail?”
• “What kind of skin do eagles have?”

And, of course, "other:"

• “Whoever said orange is the new pink was fucking out of their mind.”
• “Can I go to the bathroom?” - after "Does anyone have any questions?"
• “Shut up, Sam, you're going to make me go into labor!”
• “Yeah I backed over one of these once. I put it in my freezer. It stopped flapping in about an hour.”
• “You know that sound that raptors made in Jurassic Park? Was that accurate?"
• “Our dog just died. Can you guys use the meat for the birds?”
• As video is playing “Are you guys going to play us a video soon?”
• “No no, that man is a rapper.”

One thing it can be hard for people to get is that bird are not people and have an entirely different set of standards for their mental and physical health. One somewhat comical example of this was a woman who was trying to convince me that we should increase the leafy greens component of our birds diet. The conversation went something like this:
"So how much of their diet is things like nuts and berries?"
"Actually none. [I say 'actually' a lot. It's kind of a filler word that sounds better than 'ummmm']. Most of our birds are entirely carnivorous, and eat nothing but meat."
"Well do you ever give them a choice?"
"Nope. We feed all of our birds nothing but meat."
"But vegetables are good for you!"
(getting a little bit annoyed) "Not for birds of prey. In the wild they eat nothing but meat, so that's what we give them here."
"Well you should at least give them a choice! It's cruel not to. Everybody knows that vegetables are good for you!"
"Actually, most birds of prey cannot digest cellulose very well, and if they ate too much of it, they would die."
The conversation actually went on for a couple minutes after that, in which the lady just refused to believe that raptors bodies worked any differently from her own.

(A quick story about the opposite problem: I had a lady the other day who believe that birds were completely different from people. She asks whether or not birds could regenerate bones "like a starfish," whether they had red blood, and whether or not they had hearts. It was like she thought they were some sort of gigantic invertebrates.)

A much more common complaint we get is about the birds in the weathering yard, which are tethered down for eight hours a day for their own safety. We get lots of people who will actually shout at us telling us how cruel it is and how horrible we are for doing it (e.g. crazy French lady from a few posts down.) So I do the whole routine about them being three different species, and how it's healthier than being inside all day, but the main point is that birds of prey really do spend most of their time just perched in one place. If they are not hunting or traveling from one place to the other, they really don't fly at all. They hunt for their own food, and sometimes they will fail for long periods of time, so it is much better to conserve energy. I then point out that they do not strain at their leashes, and tell them to look at all of our untethered birds, none of which are moving. But they'll have none of it. I often make the joke that I'm tied out here, unable to leave, for just as long as they are, and I don't even have the option of just not cooperating that day (our birds sometimes don't come out if they simply don't want to), but I always forget that it's a terrible idea to joke with someone at the height of righteousness.

These are also the same people who comment that our birds "look sad." I always do the the little "sad and happy don't really apply to these birds as much as 'safe and endangered' and 'full and hungry'" but I sometimes just want to scream "Look lady. How do you think you can tell that? They don't even have any face muscles! Sitka their has her leg up, her feathered poofed, and she looks just as happy as happy can be. And do you really think we would want our birds to be 'unhappy'? We're a BALD EAGLE HOSPITAL. Would I have flown 4000 miles and being standing out here in the 50 degree August rain if I didn't care about birds?" Maybe on my last day.

But I admit that we sometimes don't help things on tours. Especially with the hyper-empathetic type that I mentioned in my previous post, it's hard not to try to make the birds more human to connect better with people. A lot of things are just more easily communicated in human terms, but I try to do the best that I can to emphasize that these are just shorthand for much more complex animal behaviors.

But more seriously it can be hard sometimes not to anthropomorphize the birds in order to

Talking about evolution can be a sketchy thing with many visitors. Last summer, there was often a palpable tension that arose whenever I said "adaption" or "sex selection." I have never gotten into an outright argument with someone over evolution, since we don't want to force a certain view on our visitors. But we are also an educational facility and it would be silly to cut out any mention of evolution whatsoever, and the quickest way to get me to talk about nothing but evolution for the rest of my tour is to throw out a snide creationalist comment. The most common way people let me know that they don't appreciate my scientific bent is to insert a "Isn't it wonderful how God made all of these creatures?" right after a description of a particularly cool adaptation. Now an important part of tourguiding is judging your audience and being able to adapt the content to what they find interesting. For instance, I give a very different tour to someone who identifies himself as a doctor, focusing more on comparative anatomy and veterinary practice, than I would to a chipmunk rehabber, who would get more about their individual names and personalities and cutesy little stories.

(Quick side note, just to preserve this story. At the beginning of our tour we show a short video full of kitschy eagle release shots and cheesy music. The other day I started a round robin on an old lady and her daughter and son-in-law, and when I came up after the video the daughter was openly weeping. And then when I started talking about Volta's injuries, the daughter actually started outright crying. I was completely dumbfounded, so for the first time I had to skew my tour to make it, I guess, positive. I tried to focus purely on good things because I would not have been able to keep a straight face if they both got all weepy on me at once. I managed to gloss over some of the injuries and threw in many "And they are very lucky to be here"s, which got them all teary eyed, but at least stopped them from sniffling.)

So last summer, when evolution was still on the national stage and I got a lot of people challenging me, I had pretty much a full tour where at any time I could do nothing but talk about selective pressure and phylogenetics. Well except Peekaboo, but she sucks. The only time I ever almost got into trouble was when I nearly yelled at a guy in blind rage. See, I don't care if someone is a creationist, it's really no phalanx off my foot, and I don't even care if he hates non-creationists. But all I hear from this guy from across the room, talking to his ~5 year old son, is "and that's why the Darwinists will try to brainwash you in school, because they want all the money." Seeing him indoctrinating his kid with that kind of absurd, destructive paranoia must have thrown me into a blind rage, because I honestly don't even remember walking over there. I must have sprinted spitting and snarling across the room though, because I recall the guy looking rather startled and flinching a little bit when I started to talk. I unfortunately managed to recover just in time and growl "THIS bone is lighter than THIS bone because its from a BIRD" and storm off.

However, it's pretty funny how much a political climate can change. Since nobody seems to be talking about "Darwinism" anymore, I get much fewer comments, and thus, being who I am, allow them much more leeway. Just today I had my first real conflict of the summer. We have three great horned owls, two of which are from Arizona, and one of which is from Alaska. The two from Arizona are very obviously lighter and have much more red in their plumage, so I point it out whenever the light is good for seeing it. (I've actually have three people notice themselves this week, which is pretty cool.) So this time I'm with a family and a younger girl, maybe ~11 or 12 years old, asks "So if they spend enough time in Alaska, will their plumage turn dark also?" to which I start to respond "Actually, it's because they are in different subspecies. You see, when a population is isolat...." and then I got an absolute death glare from the father, so I just concluded "No. It doesn't happen like that." And even though I was interrupted by the father, the girl seemed bright enough to understand that something was up and the "God made them that way" bit wasn't going to cut it. I like to think that I placed just enough doubt in her mind that she'll ask a science teacher or even look it up herself. So yeah, I'm pretty much a hero.

Rudeness

Of course we get a lot of rude people at the Raptor Center, and sometimes it can be hard not to smile when dealing with an irate tourist. The other day we had a deaf couple come in and ask if we had someone who knew sign language, and if not if they could have a discount. Meg asked Debbie, who said no on both counts. Their first reaction was to write on their pad of paper in big letters and all caps "DISCRIMINATION" and just start underlining it over and over again. I'm really glad I wasn't behind the desk that day because it would have taken every seriousness fiber in my body not to do or say something to aggravate the situation for my own amusement. Luckily Meg kept her cool and ended up giving them a personalized tour, for which they thanked her profusely and sent a lovely semiapologic thank-you note.

When I wasn't there a woman came in with a dog "for her heart condition." Obviously we let in service dogs, but all other dogs are not allowed because our birds don't mix very well with them. So when Debbie was trying to figure out the situation, the woman would scream at her, and then when Debbie would try to respond she would say "Quiet! I need quiet! Please be QUIET!" and then would scream to the room "I HAVE A HEART CONDITION." She then went on to tell Debbie that Lindsay "brought her very close to having a heart attack," which upset Lindsay a lot. Turns out that there are no service dogs for heart conditions, and this lady was probably just some cook who likes her dog, which was very poorly behaved and obviously not a service dog.

The worst to happen to me lately was a man who stood up during a presentation to take a picture, which is a huge nono, especially since Volta was on stage, who is very flighty and grouchy. So I politely say "Sir, please sit down." Then again, then again. At this point many people around me are saying "No standing! No standing!" Nothing. So I go and do the gentle press on the shoulder maneuver and say "Please sit down sir." So he turns around and says very loudly "I'll sit down when you let me take my picture!" And this group of old ladies just gasps and all say nearly in unison "How rude!" Now that I typed all that out it doesn't seem so bad, but it was pretty dramatic.

Silly questions

So a lot of the funniest and most surreal questions come from poor wording, such as the oft-asked "Do you mate with the eagles?" People tend not to think before they ask a question, so you just have to figure out what they're trying to ask and then answer that question. And sometimes the questions are just so surreal that you don't really know what to say.

One I got the other day: "Do eagles fledge?" Translated literally, using MW this means "Do eagles acquire the feathers necessary for flight or independent activity and then leave the nest after acquiring such feathers" to which it was very tempting to respond "No, actually eagles stay chicks for their entire lives. In fact, a breeding pair of eagles will collect up to fifty chicks in the nest before it dies, after which the chicks fight each other and the winner gets to pluck the feathers of their parent and insert them into his or herself. You see, DDT levels got so high in eagles, that they can no longer grow feathers, so plumages have to be passed down from generation to generation." But luckily I am adept enough at dealing with these sorts of questions that I could translate that into "Do baby eagles leave the nest early enough that I will say 'awwwwwwww' when I hear how fast those cute little guys have to grow up." to which I responded "Yes. In fact eagles are fully grown after just ten weeks etc."

It's almost always a bad idea to point out that a question is stupid, because the tourist will almost always then persist or ask follow up questions to save face, which usually just ends up in some unnecessarily technical argument in which neither party is interested. For instance, I got one the other day asking me if we ever got any pregnant birds in, obviously wanting some sob story where a pregnant bird dies but we manage to save the baby which grows into a big healthy bird that saves a kid from a fire or something. The proper way to handle that would have been just to mention that sometimes oviducts do get clogged, and that it is very hard to tell until the egg rots, all the surrounding tissue necroses and the bird keels over. Gives information, avoids a dumb questions, and saves her face. Instead I dropped the ball and stupidly answered "Well......eagles... lay eggs.... like other birds." At which she got very red in the face and responded that of course she knew that and she was wondering if a bird ever comes in with a fertile egg still forming which got into the inevitable birds and bees questions about egg fertilization which led to shell glands and yolk depositing and such, all of which she pretended to know already. The whole time I just wanted to shake her and say "Look lady, I believe you know that birds lay eggs. It's fine that you asked a stupid question, but you don't need to now pretend to be a bird expert and make me spew out all this information that you aren't going to absorb. Just blush, say oops, and walk away."

Sometimes they immediately realize they asked a dumb question, which is fun. The other day Steve was doing the types of raptor quiz and gave them the "last one starts with a 'k'" hint. Some guy quickly said "Condor" and immediately flushed bright red and put his head in his hands. I completely lost it and had to retreat into the giftshop because I was laughing so hard.

Of course we say stupid stuff all the time. When you say the same thing enough times, you start to zone out and get caught in awkward constructions when you start paying attention again. And words always come out jumbled at the strangest times. Today Lindsay said "I'd be helpy to hap you that." and I think think every handler has informed the public that we sometimes supplement our birds' diet with beer, eliding 'bear' and 'deer' together. Some other good ones recently:
"So when a bird first comes to us it's injured or it's drunk."
"Now keep in mind, we are all wild birds in here."
"Golden eagles are a member of the moist eagle family."


Also - two more frenchie quotes in the past couple weeks:
When there were a lot of people looking at the bear that he couldn't seem to spot "Zey are all fools! Zey think zey see a baaar, but zey see nothing!" which made me think to myself "C'est ne pas une baaaaaaar" and I laughed to myself and he noticed.

And upon hearing why we tether the weathering birds "Zees are birds in bondage!" Bondage? Really? Who even says that?

What you really have to look out for in Sitka

Two days worth of police blotter, with everything but bears, weapons, and liquor taken out. Sometimes I yearn for brick-wielding bike gangs.

Aug. 7
At 1:36 p.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported in the 2900 block of Halibut Point Road.
At 4:54 p.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported in the 100 block of Harbor Mountain Road, wandering toward the woods.
At 5:15 p.m. a Juneau mental health facility called emergency personnel to report a man was on the beach near the library threatening to harm himself. Officers found he had a knife. He was taken to the hospital.
At 5:50 p.m. a sow and two cubs were reported passing through the 3000 block of Mikele Street.
At 6:13 p.m. an intoxicated man was reported passed out on a trail in the 200 block of Moller Street. Officers found he was able to care for himself.
At 6:52 p.m. an intoxicated man was reported looking into yards and behaving suspiciously in the 600 block of Monastery Street. Officers found he was able to care for himself.
At 7:07 p.m. a bear sow and two cubs were reported in the 100 block of Harbor Mountain Road.
At 8:07 p.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported getting into trash in the 3700 block of HPR. Officers used an air horn to chase the bears into the woods.
At 10:28 p.m. a bear was reported getting into trash cans in the 1900 block of Cascade Creek Road.
At 10:39 p.m. the sound of a gunshot or a seal bomb going off was reported heard in the 2700 block of HPR.
At 10:39 p.m. 12 shots were reported heard in the 800 block of Sawmill Creek Road. Officers checked the area but found nothing.
At 11:43 p.m. two bears were seen in the 100 block of Edgecumbe Drive. Police scared them off.
Aug. 8
At 7:24 a.m. a bear sow and two cubs were reported in the 1300 block of Georgeson Loop.
At 1:17 a.m. a sow and two cubs were seen in the 300 block of Tilson.
At 2:06 a.m. a bear was reported in the 700 block of Pherson Street. Offices found garbage cans tipped over but no bear.
At 3:35 a.m. a driver reported an intoxicated man sleeping in the roadway in the 2800 block of HPR. The driver had awakened the man and had him get out of the road.
At 6:35 a.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported at Halibut Point Recreation Area.
At 9:56 a.m. police intervened in a dispute between a mother and grandmother over children.
At 2;57 p.m. a bear was reported on Flume Circle, near the waterfall.
At 6:25 p.m. a small bear cub was reported to have passed through a yard in the 100 block of Jeff Davis Street.
At 7:21 p.m. a sow with four cubs was reported to have gone through a yard in the 4200 block of HPR.
At 11:45 p.m. a caller said someone walked by a Lincoln Street bar and threw a rock through a window, breaking it.

RIP Kodiak

Kodiak comes from the boreal woods.
He's tiny and cute and lovely and good.
Rodents and mealworms make most of his meals,
as well as the love that each one of us feels.
Blind in his eyes he was hit by a car;
we take take him for walks but he doesn't go far.
Kodiak, Kodiak, our favorite owl,
I hope things between us will never go foul.

So long little buddy.

It can sometimes be difficult not to start harboring ill feelings towards different nationalities when you have to deal with tourists. Of course it isn't that people from certain countries always act the same way, since the majority of people we have to deal with are boring zombies who can't wait to get back to their buffets and bingo. But... often if someone is going to have an outrageous personality, it very often fits in with amusing stereotypes.

The one nationality this holds particularly true for is the French. I immediately cringe when I hear a French accent, because I just know they're going say something depressing and angsty like "Would it not be better if these bird had just died in ze wild than to be here and have peope gawking GAWKING at zem?" It's always hard not to laugh at how outrageously French French people can be. This was an actual exchange I had with a French group:
[On Deck 2 (of course)]
"Zes birds, zey cannot fly?"
"No, they flew into power lines and we had to amputate part of their wings."
"I thought zis was hospital.... but it is a zoo A ZOO!"
"Errrr... this is... a hosp..."
"What are you saying? If I go to American hospital, they vill cut off my arm?" *laughter from group*

The one group of people that has a positive vibe are the Aussies/Kiwis. They always seem to actually know things about birds and have good, interesting questions and they never try to skip out without paying. The one bad things about Aussies though is that they tend to say really racist things out of nowhere. Like once I was talking to a very pleasant Australian about eggs when he dropped "Oh yeah, the darkies in the outback do interesting things with emu eggs. Very primitive, but very pretty, and you can't really blame them since.... you know... they don't have the same... well they don't have the same capacities we do if you know what I mean."

One more thing that made me think of: one of my favorite games is to try to elicit fun interjections from foreigners. For instance when I mentioned the size of a kiwi's egg compared to its body to that Aussie he exclaimed "Bloody Nora!" which almost cracked me up. So I almost always try to stick in as many exciting, Guinness-type facts as possible. I've gotten a few "Dios Mios" some "Mama Mias," a couple "Crikey"s and, my favorite, one "O Santa Maria"

Bear Story

So today Richard and I were sitting in front of the Raptor Center waiting for a bus to pull up. All of a sudden we hear a big rustling from behind the building, and my first thought is "Goddamn that must be a giant dog - I can't believe peo..." and then, from no more than twenty feet away, comes galloping a HUGE FREAKING BEAR. This was no 400lb youngster. It stood probably 4.5-5 feet tall on all fours and must have weighed a cool 900lbs. It was the biggest bear I've seen anywhere, including zoos, but not including polar bears. It just kind of looked at us and kept running into the forest behind Boris. All the birds flipped out simultaneously, and I ran inside yelling something along the lines of "HolyshitfuckfuckfuckjesusfuckingchristBEARBEARBEAR." Of course there were three tourists inside already to whom I apologized profusely.

I was totally shaken up for the rest of the day and could not concentrate on talking if I had my back to the woods. I kept losing my train of thought and whipping around at the smallest noise from behind Boris. Major props to Richard for doing an entire presentation literally three minutes after having the bejeesus scared out of us.

Wild Child

He just crawled up on the couch and keeps repeating "I'm up here."
He's pointing again. At my keyboard. He likes the escape key I guess. He is now asking the name of everything in the hallway. A discovery: the TV isn't working. That's why he's here I guess.
I am slowly learning his gibberish language. He has no friends. He pulled the fire alarm to try to turn the sprinklers on. He's now washing his face in the water fountain... gross. He's crawled under a desk and claims invisibility. He just put a dead spider in the water fountain... double gross. I ask if he knows what death is. "What happens when you die?"
"There is a big *hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss* and a thing."
He says "I don't like this anymore" and crawls back under the desk ... a deep metaphor for mankind's fear of the unknown.
I ponder playing hide and seek with him. Guess which role I would choose.
I can hear blob lady stomping around looking for him. Or looking for crack.
Kid has come out and threw a rock at me. He's turning to Morgan for support and amusement. Now to Zach. Now to Steve. Now a vague Nazi salute and a march down the hallway.... ok that was actually a bit scary.
I really want to go back to my room now, but I have no key and keep my door unlocked for much of the time, and don't want him associating my room with entertainment.
Ha! Blob Lady finally ventured down here. Feral child is gone... for now.

A weekend blotter from the local newspaper. Keep in mind that this is literally every call received by 911, the police, and the fire department for an entire weekend. Also: this is about the 10th time in a row that those chickens have had the police called on them.

July 17
At 7:47 a.m. a man complained of an encounter with a woman over his dog. The woman told police she was afraid of dogs and while she had used explicit language she had not threatened the man.
At 2:27 p.m. a downtown store complained of a woman who kept coming into the store and causing problems. Officers spoke with her and she agreed to leave.
At 2:55 p.m. an intoxicated man was reported randomly yelling at people in the 200 block of Katlian Street. He was advised of the complaints, and left the area.
At 3:31 p.m. an intoxicated man was reported cursing at people in the 200 block of Katlian Street. He was taken into protective custody.
At 4:41 p.m. two bear cubs -- but not the sow -- were reported seen in the bushes in the 2000 block of HPR.
At 5:24 p.m. a caller from out of state complained her former husband was continuing to call her. She was advised of her options.
At 5:33 p.m. campers were reported partying off Jarvis Street. Officers found the campsite but no campers, and left a message for them that it is illegal to camp there and to leave immediately.
At 6:20 p.m. a caller asked for police to help her remove a woman from her son's apartment. After police responded, the woman gathered her belongings, and she and the caller left the residence at the same time.
At 6:35 p.m. a man on Barracks Street told an officer his friend had passed out nearby. The friend was taken to a facility.
At 6:39 p.m. a small pickup was reported to have been driven across the SJC lawn. Officers found the pickup and advised the driver of the complaint. No damage to the lawn was apparent.
At 7:18 p.m. officers stood by while a man collected his belongings from his home.
At 9:28 p.m. a woman asked for a welfare check on her children because she had heard her husband, who was taking care of them, had been drinking since 4 a.m. In a second call, the woman said he may have thrown her things out of the house. Officers found the children were fine and the house orderly.
At 8:22 p.m. a loud party with men yelling and using foul language was reported in the 4300 block of HPR. A woman in charge of the property was advised of the complaint and was given a verbal warning.
At 10:15 p.m. a caller reported a man yelling in the 2200 block of Sawmill Creek Road. Officers spoke to a group of kids in the area, who said they had heard the man, also.
July 18
At 1:18 a.m. a caller said one man had assaulted another man with a pool cue at a bar.
At 1:18 a.m. a 911 caller said a man had been assaulted by his intoxicated fiance. The man told police the two had had a disagreement and she had kicked him in the chest, but he was not in fear. Officers found no crime had been committed. At 1:41 a.m. the woman was reported pounding on doors in the 1300 block of Sawmill Creek Road. Although intoxicated officers determined she was able to care for herself. She said her sister was on the way to pick her up.
At 1:40 a.m. a fight was reported in the 200 block of Katlian, and a second call reported two men were fighting and one was bleeding. Officers responded both times but found no one fighting.
At 2:19 a.m. an intoxicated man was reported at the SMC entrance to Sitka National Historical Park. Officers told him of park hours.
At 3:17 a.m. three intoxicated men at the ANB Harbor were given a verbal warning.
At 4:16 a.m. a woman from out of town told officers she could not locate a friend who was taking care of her son. She had lost her address book, and had driven around in a cab looking for the home. The police dispatcher left a message with the friend, and the two women were soon in contact.
At 4:29 a.m. a woman was reported struck by her intoxicated boyfriend.
At 7:48 a.m. a man was reported sleeping in a blue Toyota on Brady Street.
At 7:56 a.m. chickens were reported in the middle of the road in the 2000 block of Cascade Creek Road.
At 9:26 a.m. a man complained his wife had assaulted him twice in the last couple of weeks.
At 10:24 a.m. a man called for an ambulance for his wife, who was having trouble breathing.
At 10:36 a.m. a man was reported passed out in a church. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital.
At 12:04 p.m. police were asked to check on the welfare of a dog whose owners were away and the neighbors who were to be taking care of the dog apparently weren't. The caller had not seen the dog for some time. The animal control officer could see the dog in the trailer with a lot of feces in the room but no sign of food or water. The landlord met the officer but a stick was against the door. The dog didn't look skinny, and it appeared someone was in the trailer. No action is to be taken for the time being.
At 5:12 p.m. a caller reported it appeared a woman had used fish waste to draw eagles to the old seaplane turnaround on Katlian Street so she could photograph the birds. When officers were able to respond to the call they found a man in the area and advised him of laws against baiting.
At 5:46 p.m. a hit and run was reported to have occurred July 17 at Thomsen Harbor's D float. The harbor department was unable to confirm any damage.
At 8:32 p.m. a caller said her husband, who has a domestic violence order out against her, had been trying to contact her so he could talk to the children. She asked officers to advise him she would not violate the DVO terms.
At 9:42 p.m. an intoxicated woman was reported having difficulty walking in the 200 block of Marine Street. She was gone when officers arrived.
At 10:06 p.m. a man was reported to have broken into a boat in Eliason Harbor and caused damage.
July19
At 4:04 a.m. loud music was reported on Vitskari Street. Officers issued a verbal warning.
At 4:30 a.m. a man and woman were reported fighting in the 2300 block of HPR.
At 5:04 a.m. a man without a shirt on was reported lying on the road in the 4200 block of HPR. He was gone when officers arrived.
At 6:55 a.m. a woman was reported drinking and acting suicidal. She told officers she was fine. Although intoxicated, she was deemed able to care for herself.
At 10:03 a.m. police responded to a call that a man was preventing a woman and their 1-year-old son from leaving for church and being abusive.
At 11:39 a.m. a caller reported an erratic driver had crossed the white fog line several times. The driver told police he had been eating, and had not had much sleep in the past 24 hours.
At 3:11 p.m. a caller said a teen who had had a disagreement with his parents, had a knife and wouldn't give it up. Police spoke with the teen and his parents. The teen had not threatened anyone or caused damage, and he was to find another place to stay for the night.
At 3:32 p.m. a man said his neighbor was putting out signs with things about him and his children, and kept cussing at him and his family. Police documented the complaint.
At 11:51 p.m. a man was reported hiding in the bushes on Andrews Street.
July 20
At 1:42 a.m. a vehicle was reported in the ditch in the 2100 block of SMC. A tow truck was called, and a speeding citation issued.

Police Report
Delia Christman-Crook, 20, was charged with minor consuming early Saturday morning.
Amelia L. Abeyta, 21, was charged with driving with a revoked license early Saturday morning.
Ryan Allen, 25, was charged with assault in the fourth degree, domestic violence, early Saturday morning.
Shaun McMahan, 37, was charged with burglary and criminal mischief late Saturday.
Matthew Lawrence, 45, was charged with violating conditions of release by consuming alcohol early Sunday morning.
Joshua J. Lawrence, 27, was charged with assault in the fourth degree, domestic violence, Sunday morning.
Matfie McCarr Jr., 29, was charged with violating conditions of release late Sunday night.

Emergency Calls
Sitka Fire Department received three ambulance calls Friday, seven on Saturday, one Sunday and one this morning.

Just recording this for posterity:
So Debbie, the director of the Raptor Center, called me into the office the other day to have "a serious discussion." She said that she had received a call from the management of the dorms, who had in turn received a complaint about my room. Apparently they had reported that the person living in N103 had been coming home drunk (plausible) at 3 in the morning (hmmmm...), playing his music way too loud (that doesn't sound like...), and running around banging on peoples windows late at night (wait.... what?). I immediately started to laugh, thinking that it was obviously a joke. But then Debbie said very seriously, "How do you respond to these claims?" So I tried my best to put on my serious face and tell her that there is no possible way that could be me. It actually took some convincing her that the person either had the wrong room number, or were completely making the whole thing up. I think what did it was the fact that I am far too boring for people to complain about.

Ha

A quick story that doesn't quite fit into a facebook update or tweet:

So there is this one fairly popular trail in Sitka that goes up Gavin and at the top there is a small cabin that is free for anyone to stay in. It was built by the search and rescue guys because they have to airlift lots of people off this trail every year [almost including me :-(]. So last time I went up there I left my Hungary flask, full of Jim Beam, in the cabin. As soon as I remembered, I despaired that the very next person would take it, which I would actually totally understand since there was still about three feet of snow on the ground, and Jim Beam is a great insulator. Then, two weeks later, my coworker Zach climbs up Gavin. He asks two people walking down if they happened to notice a flask in the shelter. They reponded "Yeah, and we really wanted to take it, but didn't because it said 'Hungary' on it." So he gets to the top of the hill and, lo and behold, the flask is still there.... and it's still full of bourbon! So hooray!

I think I have figured out why I hate packing early. It mostly is because I have a deep-seated mistrust for past selves. If I pack all at once just before I go, I can remember everything I packed, and know that it is all there. If packed a week ago, I just have to trust that week-ago-Reece remembered to pack everything. Thing is, past Reeces are usually morons. They have always done the stupidest crap and I am continuously cleaning up after their moronicness. So since I can't trust week-ago-Reece, I just pack everything over again.
This might be why I procrastinate so much also. Why do this problem set today, when tomorrow-Reece, being a whole day older and wiser, is vastly more qualified? I'll probably just make a lot of mistakes that future Reece will have to correct. Better just let him do the whole thing himself.

Overheard in Great Clips

'....so then the doctor told him that he's just one drink away from cirrhosis. He's only nineteen for christsake! And then my dumbass mother in law gets him a sixpack for graduation and I say "What are you, crazy?" So then I get my .45 pistol, bring the six pack into the front yard, and shoot about twenty holes in it and say "Yeah you try to drink that now, idiot."'

I love the south sometimes.

Found poetry in my invert notes:

Dioecious broadcast spawners
huge gonads
Also asexual repro

Crynoids have no gonads
Crynoids brood their young

take away starfish: community crashes

One of Many Reasons I was Kicked out of Sunday School

So since my parents are probably selling the Raleigh house, I have to go through all my amassed stuff to decide what I want to keep. Here is a great look into the mind of 6th grade Reece: an enumeration of Christian Values I was supposed to draw up for a Sunday School class. If I remember correctly, the date puts it just before I was kicked out.

Lesson learned: Never let down your guard.
Where I've learned this lesson: Everywhere

When bored, do homework -- School
Play fair, but don't expect others to -- ???
Be prepared -- Boy Scouts
The biggest the risk, the bigger the reward -- Boba Fett
Logic is the most effective weapon -- experience (maybe the only one that I don't find true now)
Never hit people smaller than you -- brother
NEVER underestimate the little guy -- Don't ask
If you don't understand and don't need to, don't try to -- experience (I think I remember putting this down when the teach said to write a Christian value)
NEVER follow the crowd -- " "


I also remember having just learned how to do bibliographies, thus the quotation marks.
I am always struck at just how awesome 6th grade Reece was.