Talking about evolution can be a sketchy thing with many visitors. Last summer, there was often a palpable tension that arose whenever I said "adaption" or "sex selection." I have never gotten into an outright argument with someone over evolution, since we don't want to force a certain view on our visitors. But we are also an educational facility and it would be silly to cut out any mention of evolution whatsoever, and the quickest way to get me to talk about nothing but evolution for the rest of my tour is to throw out a snide creationalist comment. The most common way people let me know that they don't appreciate my scientific bent is to insert a "Isn't it wonderful how God made all of these creatures?" right after a description of a particularly cool adaptation. Now an important part of tourguiding is judging your audience and being able to adapt the content to what they find interesting. For instance, I give a very different tour to someone who identifies himself as a doctor, focusing more on comparative anatomy and veterinary practice, than I would to a chipmunk rehabber, who would get more about their individual names and personalities and cutesy little stories.

(Quick side note, just to preserve this story. At the beginning of our tour we show a short video full of kitschy eagle release shots and cheesy music. The other day I started a round robin on an old lady and her daughter and son-in-law, and when I came up after the video the daughter was openly weeping. And then when I started talking about Volta's injuries, the daughter actually started outright crying. I was completely dumbfounded, so for the first time I had to skew my tour to make it, I guess, positive. I tried to focus purely on good things because I would not have been able to keep a straight face if they both got all weepy on me at once. I managed to gloss over some of the injuries and threw in many "And they are very lucky to be here"s, which got them all teary eyed, but at least stopped them from sniffling.)

So last summer, when evolution was still on the national stage and I got a lot of people challenging me, I had pretty much a full tour where at any time I could do nothing but talk about selective pressure and phylogenetics. Well except Peekaboo, but she sucks. The only time I ever almost got into trouble was when I nearly yelled at a guy in blind rage. See, I don't care if someone is a creationist, it's really no phalanx off my foot, and I don't even care if he hates non-creationists. But all I hear from this guy from across the room, talking to his ~5 year old son, is "and that's why the Darwinists will try to brainwash you in school, because they want all the money." Seeing him indoctrinating his kid with that kind of absurd, destructive paranoia must have thrown me into a blind rage, because I honestly don't even remember walking over there. I must have sprinted spitting and snarling across the room though, because I recall the guy looking rather startled and flinching a little bit when I started to talk. I unfortunately managed to recover just in time and growl "THIS bone is lighter than THIS bone because its from a BIRD" and storm off.

However, it's pretty funny how much a political climate can change. Since nobody seems to be talking about "Darwinism" anymore, I get much fewer comments, and thus, being who I am, allow them much more leeway. Just today I had my first real conflict of the summer. We have three great horned owls, two of which are from Arizona, and one of which is from Alaska. The two from Arizona are very obviously lighter and have much more red in their plumage, so I point it out whenever the light is good for seeing it. (I've actually have three people notice themselves this week, which is pretty cool.) So this time I'm with a family and a younger girl, maybe ~11 or 12 years old, asks "So if they spend enough time in Alaska, will their plumage turn dark also?" to which I start to respond "Actually, it's because they are in different subspecies. You see, when a population is isolat...." and then I got an absolute death glare from the father, so I just concluded "No. It doesn't happen like that." And even though I was interrupted by the father, the girl seemed bright enough to understand that something was up and the "God made them that way" bit wasn't going to cut it. I like to think that I placed just enough doubt in her mind that she'll ask a science teacher or even look it up herself. So yeah, I'm pretty much a hero.

Rudeness

Of course we get a lot of rude people at the Raptor Center, and sometimes it can be hard not to smile when dealing with an irate tourist. The other day we had a deaf couple come in and ask if we had someone who knew sign language, and if not if they could have a discount. Meg asked Debbie, who said no on both counts. Their first reaction was to write on their pad of paper in big letters and all caps "DISCRIMINATION" and just start underlining it over and over again. I'm really glad I wasn't behind the desk that day because it would have taken every seriousness fiber in my body not to do or say something to aggravate the situation for my own amusement. Luckily Meg kept her cool and ended up giving them a personalized tour, for which they thanked her profusely and sent a lovely semiapologic thank-you note.

When I wasn't there a woman came in with a dog "for her heart condition." Obviously we let in service dogs, but all other dogs are not allowed because our birds don't mix very well with them. So when Debbie was trying to figure out the situation, the woman would scream at her, and then when Debbie would try to respond she would say "Quiet! I need quiet! Please be QUIET!" and then would scream to the room "I HAVE A HEART CONDITION." She then went on to tell Debbie that Lindsay "brought her very close to having a heart attack," which upset Lindsay a lot. Turns out that there are no service dogs for heart conditions, and this lady was probably just some cook who likes her dog, which was very poorly behaved and obviously not a service dog.

The worst to happen to me lately was a man who stood up during a presentation to take a picture, which is a huge nono, especially since Volta was on stage, who is very flighty and grouchy. So I politely say "Sir, please sit down." Then again, then again. At this point many people around me are saying "No standing! No standing!" Nothing. So I go and do the gentle press on the shoulder maneuver and say "Please sit down sir." So he turns around and says very loudly "I'll sit down when you let me take my picture!" And this group of old ladies just gasps and all say nearly in unison "How rude!" Now that I typed all that out it doesn't seem so bad, but it was pretty dramatic.

Silly questions

So a lot of the funniest and most surreal questions come from poor wording, such as the oft-asked "Do you mate with the eagles?" People tend not to think before they ask a question, so you just have to figure out what they're trying to ask and then answer that question. And sometimes the questions are just so surreal that you don't really know what to say.

One I got the other day: "Do eagles fledge?" Translated literally, using MW this means "Do eagles acquire the feathers necessary for flight or independent activity and then leave the nest after acquiring such feathers" to which it was very tempting to respond "No, actually eagles stay chicks for their entire lives. In fact, a breeding pair of eagles will collect up to fifty chicks in the nest before it dies, after which the chicks fight each other and the winner gets to pluck the feathers of their parent and insert them into his or herself. You see, DDT levels got so high in eagles, that they can no longer grow feathers, so plumages have to be passed down from generation to generation." But luckily I am adept enough at dealing with these sorts of questions that I could translate that into "Do baby eagles leave the nest early enough that I will say 'awwwwwwww' when I hear how fast those cute little guys have to grow up." to which I responded "Yes. In fact eagles are fully grown after just ten weeks etc."

It's almost always a bad idea to point out that a question is stupid, because the tourist will almost always then persist or ask follow up questions to save face, which usually just ends up in some unnecessarily technical argument in which neither party is interested. For instance, I got one the other day asking me if we ever got any pregnant birds in, obviously wanting some sob story where a pregnant bird dies but we manage to save the baby which grows into a big healthy bird that saves a kid from a fire or something. The proper way to handle that would have been just to mention that sometimes oviducts do get clogged, and that it is very hard to tell until the egg rots, all the surrounding tissue necroses and the bird keels over. Gives information, avoids a dumb questions, and saves her face. Instead I dropped the ball and stupidly answered "Well......eagles... lay eggs.... like other birds." At which she got very red in the face and responded that of course she knew that and she was wondering if a bird ever comes in with a fertile egg still forming which got into the inevitable birds and bees questions about egg fertilization which led to shell glands and yolk depositing and such, all of which she pretended to know already. The whole time I just wanted to shake her and say "Look lady, I believe you know that birds lay eggs. It's fine that you asked a stupid question, but you don't need to now pretend to be a bird expert and make me spew out all this information that you aren't going to absorb. Just blush, say oops, and walk away."

Sometimes they immediately realize they asked a dumb question, which is fun. The other day Steve was doing the types of raptor quiz and gave them the "last one starts with a 'k'" hint. Some guy quickly said "Condor" and immediately flushed bright red and put his head in his hands. I completely lost it and had to retreat into the giftshop because I was laughing so hard.

Of course we say stupid stuff all the time. When you say the same thing enough times, you start to zone out and get caught in awkward constructions when you start paying attention again. And words always come out jumbled at the strangest times. Today Lindsay said "I'd be helpy to hap you that." and I think think every handler has informed the public that we sometimes supplement our birds' diet with beer, eliding 'bear' and 'deer' together. Some other good ones recently:
"So when a bird first comes to us it's injured or it's drunk."
"Now keep in mind, we are all wild birds in here."
"Golden eagles are a member of the moist eagle family."


Also - two more frenchie quotes in the past couple weeks:
When there were a lot of people looking at the bear that he couldn't seem to spot "Zey are all fools! Zey think zey see a baaar, but zey see nothing!" which made me think to myself "C'est ne pas une baaaaaaar" and I laughed to myself and he noticed.

And upon hearing why we tether the weathering birds "Zees are birds in bondage!" Bondage? Really? Who even says that?

What you really have to look out for in Sitka

Two days worth of police blotter, with everything but bears, weapons, and liquor taken out. Sometimes I yearn for brick-wielding bike gangs.

Aug. 7
At 1:36 p.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported in the 2900 block of Halibut Point Road.
At 4:54 p.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported in the 100 block of Harbor Mountain Road, wandering toward the woods.
At 5:15 p.m. a Juneau mental health facility called emergency personnel to report a man was on the beach near the library threatening to harm himself. Officers found he had a knife. He was taken to the hospital.
At 5:50 p.m. a sow and two cubs were reported passing through the 3000 block of Mikele Street.
At 6:13 p.m. an intoxicated man was reported passed out on a trail in the 200 block of Moller Street. Officers found he was able to care for himself.
At 6:52 p.m. an intoxicated man was reported looking into yards and behaving suspiciously in the 600 block of Monastery Street. Officers found he was able to care for himself.
At 7:07 p.m. a bear sow and two cubs were reported in the 100 block of Harbor Mountain Road.
At 8:07 p.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported getting into trash in the 3700 block of HPR. Officers used an air horn to chase the bears into the woods.
At 10:28 p.m. a bear was reported getting into trash cans in the 1900 block of Cascade Creek Road.
At 10:39 p.m. the sound of a gunshot or a seal bomb going off was reported heard in the 2700 block of HPR.
At 10:39 p.m. 12 shots were reported heard in the 800 block of Sawmill Creek Road. Officers checked the area but found nothing.
At 11:43 p.m. two bears were seen in the 100 block of Edgecumbe Drive. Police scared them off.
Aug. 8
At 7:24 a.m. a bear sow and two cubs were reported in the 1300 block of Georgeson Loop.
At 1:17 a.m. a sow and two cubs were seen in the 300 block of Tilson.
At 2:06 a.m. a bear was reported in the 700 block of Pherson Street. Offices found garbage cans tipped over but no bear.
At 3:35 a.m. a driver reported an intoxicated man sleeping in the roadway in the 2800 block of HPR. The driver had awakened the man and had him get out of the road.
At 6:35 a.m. a bear sow and four cubs were reported at Halibut Point Recreation Area.
At 9:56 a.m. police intervened in a dispute between a mother and grandmother over children.
At 2;57 p.m. a bear was reported on Flume Circle, near the waterfall.
At 6:25 p.m. a small bear cub was reported to have passed through a yard in the 100 block of Jeff Davis Street.
At 7:21 p.m. a sow with four cubs was reported to have gone through a yard in the 4200 block of HPR.
At 11:45 p.m. a caller said someone walked by a Lincoln Street bar and threw a rock through a window, breaking it.

RIP Kodiak

Kodiak comes from the boreal woods.
He's tiny and cute and lovely and good.
Rodents and mealworms make most of his meals,
as well as the love that each one of us feels.
Blind in his eyes he was hit by a car;
we take take him for walks but he doesn't go far.
Kodiak, Kodiak, our favorite owl,
I hope things between us will never go foul.

So long little buddy.

It can sometimes be difficult not to start harboring ill feelings towards different nationalities when you have to deal with tourists. Of course it isn't that people from certain countries always act the same way, since the majority of people we have to deal with are boring zombies who can't wait to get back to their buffets and bingo. But... often if someone is going to have an outrageous personality, it very often fits in with amusing stereotypes.

The one nationality this holds particularly true for is the French. I immediately cringe when I hear a French accent, because I just know they're going say something depressing and angsty like "Would it not be better if these bird had just died in ze wild than to be here and have peope gawking GAWKING at zem?" It's always hard not to laugh at how outrageously French French people can be. This was an actual exchange I had with a French group:
[On Deck 2 (of course)]
"Zes birds, zey cannot fly?"
"No, they flew into power lines and we had to amputate part of their wings."
"I thought zis was hospital.... but it is a zoo A ZOO!"
"Errrr... this is... a hosp..."
"What are you saying? If I go to American hospital, they vill cut off my arm?" *laughter from group*

The one group of people that has a positive vibe are the Aussies/Kiwis. They always seem to actually know things about birds and have good, interesting questions and they never try to skip out without paying. The one bad things about Aussies though is that they tend to say really racist things out of nowhere. Like once I was talking to a very pleasant Australian about eggs when he dropped "Oh yeah, the darkies in the outback do interesting things with emu eggs. Very primitive, but very pretty, and you can't really blame them since.... you know... they don't have the same... well they don't have the same capacities we do if you know what I mean."

One more thing that made me think of: one of my favorite games is to try to elicit fun interjections from foreigners. For instance when I mentioned the size of a kiwi's egg compared to its body to that Aussie he exclaimed "Bloody Nora!" which almost cracked me up. So I almost always try to stick in as many exciting, Guinness-type facts as possible. I've gotten a few "Dios Mios" some "Mama Mias," a couple "Crikey"s and, my favorite, one "O Santa Maria"

Bear Story

So today Richard and I were sitting in front of the Raptor Center waiting for a bus to pull up. All of a sudden we hear a big rustling from behind the building, and my first thought is "Goddamn that must be a giant dog - I can't believe peo..." and then, from no more than twenty feet away, comes galloping a HUGE FREAKING BEAR. This was no 400lb youngster. It stood probably 4.5-5 feet tall on all fours and must have weighed a cool 900lbs. It was the biggest bear I've seen anywhere, including zoos, but not including polar bears. It just kind of looked at us and kept running into the forest behind Boris. All the birds flipped out simultaneously, and I ran inside yelling something along the lines of "HolyshitfuckfuckfuckjesusfuckingchristBEARBEARBEAR." Of course there were three tourists inside already to whom I apologized profusely.

I was totally shaken up for the rest of the day and could not concentrate on talking if I had my back to the woods. I kept losing my train of thought and whipping around at the smallest noise from behind Boris. Major props to Richard for doing an entire presentation literally three minutes after having the bejeesus scared out of us.